Saba T.

Necessary Goodbyes

As a teenager, I was loyal to a fault. I could do pretty much anything for my friends – which included shouldering much of the blame for something that wasn’t my fault. (That stunt took me to the Principal’s office in my senior year for the first, & last, time in my life.)

Following our senior year of high school, my friend group dispersed. We went to universities in different cities, different countries. The physical distance soon became an emotional one. We all found new friends, new tribes. Some found soulmates.

At university, I collected a rag-tag group of people who were all diverse in their personalities, in their talents. The only thing they had in common was that they all went to the same university and they were all friends with me in some capacity. And none of them were freshmen – apart from me. There was so much I was learning from these friends – the ins and outs of university, the different cliques, the way to succeed with minimum effort, etc.

I didn’t realize I’d become an inauthentic version of myself until it was too late. In giving so much of myself to all these different people, taking care of them, showing up for them, I forgot to show up for myself. And that led to a bad two years in which I struggled with identity. But what doesn’t kill you, makes you tough as nails.

At the tail end of those two years, I made some hard decisions. For one, I planned to cut out people who were negative influences and those who were energy drains. Easing out of it would’ve been nicer – but I went cold turkey and stopped replying to messages. I restricted their access to my social media feeds – they’re still my ‘friends’ but they see much less of what I post. I became unavailable.

That doesn’t mean I cut everyone off. I’m still friends with a handful of those amazing people. I met one on my recent trip to Islamabad, he’s running two businesses and I couldn’t be prouder. I video chat sporadically with another who’s living in Canada and has two adorable toddlers. And I recently received a message from one on my birthday, just a simple wish but enough to begin rebuilding a bridge that had crumbled. It’s his birthday today – and that’s what got me thinking about friendships nurtured vs. buried.

I tried building a tribe. I read somewhere, “College is where you find your bridesmaids,” and that made me sad because I didn’t. But knowing myself better now, I wouldn’t function well with a ‘tribe’. In fitting in, I would lose my authenticity.

I’m a free agent, the lone survivor in those gritty dystopian movies. I have friends who I connect with when I need them, who know I’m here when they need me. I’m still loyal to a fault, but that’s not a bad thing when it’s tempered with reason.

I’ve said my goodbyes, I’ve burned my bridges, and I’m content.

20 comments

  2. Hmm. This line has me thinking… “I’m a free agent, the lone survivor in those gritty dystopian movies.” That lone survivor tends to be someone who knows themself really well. They know what they want out of life and are willing to risk everything for it – fiercely loyal to whatever that is. Sometimes they hide their true selves to get further, but seem to be aware of who they are at their foundation.

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  5. Your habit of reflection will continue to serve you well. One of the things I’ve found surprising/not surprising is how friendships shift, change and/or disappear over time. It’s interesting to me now to notice who my go-to people are now, perhaps after being friends for 30 years or 3. As you’ve already discovered, we have agency to decide. Having/finding bridesmaids may be overrated. Knowing ourselves is a far richer experience as you describe here.

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  6. I heard once in a class I took about friendship that letting go of friends is a sign of growth. I think people come in and out of your life for a reason and letting go is a kind of bravery to me. I also don’t have that “tribe” and sometimes feel maybe something is wrong with me. But like you, I am not interested in friendship that drain me and don’t add to the joy in my life. You are a honest brave soul and your true friends are very lucky!

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  8. This post sparks so many memories for me. I’m terrible at sustaining relationships after a move, for example, and since I’m oldish, I didn’t grow up w/ social media to facilitate keeping the bonds. I think it’s hard for people to self-reflect as you have because we’re expected to have large friend groups, conditioned to have them, and taught we’re defective when we don’t or when we prefer to be alone. This is doubly true for women. It sounds as though you’ve learned a healthy balance. Keep avoiding those toxic relationships.

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  9. Hmm… This has got me thinking. How many of us even pause that long in the humdrum routine of daily life, to reflect on things and people gone? You’re lucky you have afforded yourself the luxury. And the fact that it has made you content and satisfied adds to the luxury!

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  10. The company we keep can make or break us. Sometimes it’s not even the big things that chip away at us, it’s the small things said or done. I hope and pray you find your people, your person, your tribe or your group. Whatever you want to call them, I hope they build you up into the best version of yourself.

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    • The smallest snide remark, the smallest bit uncalled for sarcasm, the smallest word said in “faux” mockery – that’s what make you begin to change yourself and be less authentic.
      Thank you for reading. 😊

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